Living with RA

I’d known her for a greater portion of the last 7 years of my life, thanks to my wife who made me realize of her existence. Since then, I tried very hard to drive her away as I needed my space and my life. For a short while, it worked. She stayed away and my life returned to almost normal, but too soon, she returned. Her visits were occasional, but soon enough grew in frequency and intensity. My professional life was the first to be affected and its not anyones’ guess to find my personal life begin to take its shape around her, too. She’s not one to easily go away.
Without her, my days were like living in perpetual sunshine. In my world, the skies would be blue, the birds would be chirping in the trees and everywhere I go, there would be the gay sounds of laughing children. I would look forwards to each day knowing that I could make it the best day of my life.
Oh, how different things are to wake up with her! When she is around, there would be nothing but pain. Some days I wished I wouldn’t have to wake up; such is the misery she brought me. On some days my wife doesn’t realize she’s here and I would see that impatient glare as I make my way painfully across the living room. The swellings that accompany the pain is not immediately visible, and people around me begin to doubt my sincerity when I am not able to do the things I promise to do carrying the burden of this woman.
Whenever she leaves, my life returns to normal. I spend my days with my workmates and with my family, filling each moment with tiny bits of memory that I could keep with me in the future. Little bits of memory, like getting a roomful of teenagers excited learning about our company; like being told how wonderful to have the team participate because things are always done differently, like watching my daughter go up on stage to receive her school testimonials and watching one son proudly show off his attempt at animation and another showing off the ship he built entirely on his own out of his Lego blocks.
And almost like a display of jealousy, she would appear again; admonishing me for having a good life; and she would make sure that my night is filled with pain. A good nights. Sleep deserts me yet again, and I spend my night fighting the numbing pain, waiting for sleep to come or the sun to rise. And my life becomes dependent on my wife, who, in addition to running her endeavors and running after the kids, now has to shuttle me around as driving becomes a painful task.
Ah, my life with this woman other. Blessed I am that my wife understands the very nature of this relationship and at times I need her most, she’s there. Not many realize of this woman in my life, because no one sees her when she’s with me. Yet everytime she comes, I long for her to leave, and even when she does, I know that it won’t be long before she comes again, because such is her nature. A disease like her you cannot choose, and she chooses the ones she likes best, and once she comes to stay, she is here forever. I can only embrace her coming, and I embrace life when she leaves, because I know it won’t be long before she returns.